living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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