Four minutes until I can fart!
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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