Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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