Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
