Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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