im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Randomize
