so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
