good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
