He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
