Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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