I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
PS: I just woke up from my shower
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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