then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
