apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Randomize
