watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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