I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
