Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
