he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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