I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
