I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
