I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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