My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
