she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
