I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We need a shit load of segways right now
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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