Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
