No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
