I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
