so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
