I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I enjoy the company of your penis
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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