I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
