Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
