im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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