i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
