I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
