I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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