how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize
