Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
