I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
