10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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