I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
