i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
