she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Randomize
