Your favorite bartender is back from prision
The beer is more important than you right now.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
How does it feel to date your dad?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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