Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
