Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
