he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
