you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
