Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize