she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
