He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
