i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize