Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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