her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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