new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
