even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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