Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
