I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Randomize
