Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
