I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
