I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
