Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
