i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
