Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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