dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize