I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
