I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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