I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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