And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
