Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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