1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
vagina is talking i cant
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
