Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It was like giving head to a cactus.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize