Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
