you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
